Sorry in advance for the length of this article but I needed to make this assessment and I know it will help people following discussions I had.
First I hope that you are well and that you have overall good Christmas and New Year.
I kept obsessingly posting an article on January 1 but after reflection I thought I needed time to analyze the year that had just ended.
It’s done, so I had a little desire to share with you what came out of my year 2016.
Every year there is always something that predominates and allows us to make a positive or negative assessment of the past year.
For me what has predominated is the others and their capacity of toxicity in our existence.
Before I expand my words I begin by saying the most positive thing that happened to me in 2016.
Thanks to my companion I could have a tangible result of my artistic work.
He found a company to which I can go to create my own fabrics with the prints that I realize in digital art.
For me it’s an enormous advance because it will allow me to master all the stages of my creation. This is something that was close to my heart the year of my 40 years (I had in April 2016) and I must say that the word companion comes into its own with M (Mr wishes to remain anonymous and I have respect it) because it always tries to make sure that I can concretise something that is important to me.
He is my life companion, he accompanies me in my work and does his best to help me reach my goals.
So this is the most positive thing that happened to me in 2016 and honestly it is huge and encouraging.
The problem that arises from this is that I give material to this society to create prints by drawing inspiration from my work.
Mr. M (aka the lover) even captured their latest creations in fabrics with the same prints as me on which they made slight modifications but they still kept the same color range as me in addition to the prints that clearly are plagiarists.
We were expecting it but it is always annoying and unpleasant to see such things. Fortunately I have more than 20,000 printed in stocks and my work is deposited.
Now the human assessment of the year 2016. I wondered how I lived it?
In all honesty not very good for several reasons. The first reason for this negative feeling is THE OTHERS.
Yes the famous others. I wondered a lot in early January about the why of how people who gravitate around me have a life plan to go wrong.
Yes yes there are beings whose life plan is never to go well and anything that comes to nurture this project is welcome. Disease, sprain, migraine, professional difficulties, family, lovers (and so on) is a pretext for complaint and crystallize attention on them.
They have undeniable toxicity on us and our psyche and unfortunately it is often too late when we realize it and become aware of it.
Their functioning becomes our own and without one having the time to realize it we bind ourselves in our turn in neuroses that are created.
They have this capacity to inflict on life and their existence a torpor that necessarily leads to the feeling of not advancing, which allows them to be in a state of permanent dull anguish, which results in physical somatization .
From this it emerges real diseases that engender a compassionate blow and attention of the entourage which unwittingly transforms into a cordon sanitaire of commiseration intempestive whose most recurrent expressions are « my poor », « holala », « you really No luck », « craaaaazy », « think stronnnnng of you », « be strong » and etc.…….
The worst part of all this is to realize after the fact and after narrative of their pseudo problem, that what they have isn’t so serious and doesn’t deserve so much empathy.
Inevitably what can one say to someone whose main discourse is:
« It happened to me something unbearable, it hurt me, I can not talk about it at this time because I have to digest it because it’s really painful » and GNANGNANGNAN (as Alain Finkielkraut The painful philosopher) and this gnangnangnan are whining that never stop and no one dares to say Close there, there are people who have real problems in life you know.
Moreover, what is great is that we do exactly the opposite, we maintain the stuff already because we do not want to hurt the person or for fear of losing someone for whom we have affection .
I don’t see what we can do except listen, say « I’m here », « I think very much about you », « ho my poor » and blablabla.
We feel guilty for not being able to help more, We feel helpless, then we say that The only thing you can do is to be present, give your time, be listening and it is at this moment that one makes a serious mistake because one opens the box of pandora and as the legend says, all the evils (words) of the earth come out.
So it was that I found myself drowned in permanent negativity to manage, neuroses, whimpering untimely and in my turn I let myself locked up in this torpor which prevented me from advancing.
I could see things happen but I could not say STOP. I wanted to say let life enter into your life, make it a place and look at it differently instead of stifling it under a layer of negativity and discomfort that you bear and grow only day by day.
I know that life isn’t a long quiet river, that even if one has the desire to go well sometimes the things of life mow us with a violence of which one has difficulty to recover. This being so, if we can avoid being constantly searching for what is wrong and which our gaze is constantly looking for, then we would undoubtedly leave the right door of open life.
My year 2016 was punctuated by this kind of exchanges and I took too long to get rid of them and to move away in order to concentrate a little more on my objectives.
I didn’t have the space I needed to build myself and put things in place serenely without being polluted by the poisonous outside that surrounded me, in other words the others.
Day after day I tried to tell myself, FOCUS Naf, but the permanent hustle and bustle of my entourage left me no place to think about the most logical and peaceful way to move forward.
There is an American expression that I like very much that is FOCUS ON, which means We concentrate, let’s go to the basics and that’s what I hooked on throughout the year but I have been unable to do.
I had to choose between being selfish by removing from my life some people I love infinitely but who are toxic to me and grant them my life time, listening, attention so that they pour out to infinity without at any moment they become aware that their jeremiads are displaced.
Unfortunately (as you can imagine) made the 2nd choice and it’s thus that I lost myself along the way and that no longer knowing how and where to go I stagnated and sclerotized to the point of Turning me into evils even more painful than the pain that my sick body causes me daily.
I could go on talking about this entourage but I will stop there because I know that many people know what kind of beings pull you down and for who to go wrong is the only way they have to capturing affection and attention.
Well yes, sometimes they would be happy, it would be problematic because we are less interested in people who are doing well because they seem to have no problems. While misfortune and ill-being crystallize attention. That’s probably why there’s never a song about happiness because when you’re happy there’s nothing to say except I’m fine.
This being Maitre Gims (a French singer) could write a tube with for word only « I’m fine » and a throbbing melody, type Black eyes peas singing « I gotta feeling ». Ok there are other lyrics in this song but overall it’s the same thing that comes up all the time so it gets quickly boring.
It’s a bit that I think happy people have as effect, so they quickly stop being exciting and tend to be less concerned about it while someone who goes bad all the time he can have certainty capture and catch attention.
Still, in 2016 I have filled up with negativity for the next 20 years so I give way to others who will have time for plaintive, depressive and anonymous emotional.
Let’s move on to the other reason why 2016 was not good for me and this time it concerns my work as a creator.
I put on sale officially in August 2016 my creations, a small capsule collection that did not have the success that I hoped. It is true that people liked the rooms but it was too expensive so I made very little sales.
I know that it’s very difficult to find his place in this environment knowing that the price of my pieces will not align with the large distribution but I honestly thought that I would sell a little more.
I took a huge slap that I needed but I let myself be demoralized by this failure even if it’s not really. To fail is to do nothing at all while I have to acknowledge that I advanced and then I did.
The question I asked myself (and I am still asking myself now) was whether I should continue or stop NSQOL because it costs me a lot of energy, morally, physically and financially, and for the time being the fruits of so much investment are not satisfactory. I have already spoken of this in my September reentry article which you can read here if the heart tells you so I will avoid repeating what I said a few months ago.
That said, it was inevitable that at the time of the assessment the question would come back on the table.
The only answer I have today and which I cling to comes from my companion who told me that I must cling and that all this (the moments of uncertainty that are painful) is part of business start-ups.
I decided after this assessment that I must be in maximum concentration mode on what I want, where I want to go, where I want to tend, what kind of relationship I want to have with me and with the other.
To advance I have to be in FOCUS ON mode as much as I can do while being present for the people I love. Maybe some people will think I was dishonest with them in our exchanges but I want to tell them that I have not been one at all. For having had a conversation with some of the people involved I know they understand my purpose and acknowledge that they have been painful and constantly complaining. I want to thank them for having had this honesty and elegance to assume the fact that they were a little too egotistical.
I have to find a more delicate way of telling them to be less navellian and that one can not have a life project to always go wrong even if life doesn’t give us a gift. There are people I want to keep at all costs in my life so I must urgently find a way of exchanging healthier with without being impregnated, splashed and phagocytated by their mental blindness.
Unfortunately for some people I’m convinced that this functioning is so deeply rooted in them that they have become the ill-being personified. It’s their DNA and I think they can not change.
So here is my only goal and wish that I make for 2017 and believe me it’s more complicated than it seems to hold.
I would like to say the same to everybody.
The blog gradually resumes service and I will soon post nice things that I think you will like.
Meanwhile I leave you with this picture of me in one of my looks worn lately.
Pullover of an old H&M collection and Skirt 100% Nsqol (skirt + print)
Sweet, soothing and pretty year 2017 to all and TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Je vous embrasse. Nafissath.
Pictures by Nafissath Abdoulaye
Design & stylism by N’sqol
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